


Future Imperfect (The This Is a Mean World Remix)

by the_rck



Category: Naruto
Genre: Espionage, Gen, Mission Fic, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-04-05 09:42:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4175100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_rck/pseuds/the_rck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto has an assignment. He just wishes it didn't require deceiving his friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Future Imperfect (The This Is a Mean World Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hungrytiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungrytiger/gifts).
  * Inspired by [You Call that a Pick up line?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/107529) by [hungrytiger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hungrytiger/pseuds/hungrytiger). 



> Thanks to my beta readers. I'll name them after the reveal.

Naruto studied the bowl of pretzels in front of him. He tapped the side of the bowl then looked sideways at Ino who sat on his left. _When's she going to tell me? No way is Shikamaru going to._ He wanted to poke her and tell her to get on with it, but he bit his tongue. _I'm not supposed to know._

So he put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair and sized up the crowd. He gave apparent extra attention to the women, letting his eyes linger admiringly, even though he was gathering every bit as much information about the men. _I don't feel any different. Would I notice? If the target really can read minds... Well, if she can read mine, I'm up shit creek._

Fukao Ume wasn't hard to spot. _She looks just like the picture Tsunade showed me. And not dangerous at all. I think she's spotted us. Probably. What's given us away?_ He continued scanning the crowd, looking for the bodyguards he knew must be there.

_That one and that one. Both women. Interesting. Given her reputation, I was expecting male guards, buff male guards._ Naruto kept his eyes wide, trying to look for all the world as if being in a bar was a new experience for him. _As if. I spent how many years with Jiraiya?_

"Naruto." Ino didn't quite snap her fingers under his nose. "Over there." She actually pointed.

_Does she really think I'm stupid, or is this part of how Fukao affects ninja?_ Naruto couldn't discount either possibility. _Tsunade said that all the ninja she'd heard about getting close to Fukao thought, looking back, that they hadn't reacted normally._

"That woman. Her name's Fukao Ume. She has papers we need. Seduce her." Ino spoke as if she thought that, if she used bigger words, Naruto wouldn't understand her.

_That's definitely out of character for Ino._ "What?" Naruto made his indignation as loud as he could manage without sounding like he was trying to be overheard. "Her? No way! She's older than Tsunade!" He hit the Hokage's name just a bit harder than the rest of his protest. _Although why I'm bothering when she's already spotted us... Well, the point is to make me look harmless. Easy pickings. Easier than either of them._ He glared at Ino.

Shikamaru put a hand on Naruto's shoulder and squeezed.

Naruto ignored Shikamaru. _I wish I didn't have to play Ino and Shikamaru, but Tsunade said they'd be safer if they didn't know. And I doubt they'd let me go in alone if they knew. Even though Fukao hasn't killed anyone. Yet._

Ino smacked Naruto on the side of his head, just above his ear.

"Ow!" Naruto rubbed the side of his head.

Shikamaru sighed and ordered another round of drinks.

_Yeah, 'cause that's a great idea. Seduction goes_ so _much better when you can't think._

"That woman--" Ino poked Naruto in the side. "--that very, very lonely woman is a high level official with a lot of secrets and a taste for beautiful, brainless arm candy."

Naruto let himself stare at the woman in question. _She leaves them utterly exhausted, with no memory of what's happened. They could have told her anything. She could have done anything._ He knew that the possibility that Fukao retained some sort of control over her victims after she let them go was one of Tsunade's major concerns.

"Get your ass over there and buy her a drink. Flirt a little. Flirt a lot." The look Ino gave Naruto told him that she doubted his ability to follow even simple instructions.

Shikamaru pulled his shoulders up toward his ears then shook them out. He looked more than a little worried.

_What exactly did Tsunade tell them?_ Naruto made a show of looking from Ino to Shikamaru to his target and back again.

Ino spoke through gritted teeth. "Take her home. Have sex. Then, while she's sleeping, ransack her place. The papers we need are there somewhere, and I damned well want to be on the road home tonight."

_Will it occur to her that I might need to know what sort of papers I'm looking for?_ Naruto let a look of utter disbelief and denial take over his face. "I can't-- I'm not going to-- Shit." He stared at his target again. Then he turned back toward Ino and leaned in close. "I'm not going to-- to do some old lady for papers. What the hell kind of assignment is this?" _For that matter, why hasn't it occurred to Shikamaru? This is a really shit briefing and a really stupid way to start something like this. Well, unless we're_ trying _to attract attention._ Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto saw one of the women he'd identified as bodyguards leaning in to speak into his target's ear. _Good._

Ino pushed Naruto away and gave him a look of utter disgust. "This," she said, talking past Naruto to address Shikamaru, "is what your mother and I were talking about last week. Remember? Men don't understand the basic facts that every kunoichi knows."

Naruto waved both of his arms in protest. "I do not want to hear this!"

Shikamaru shoved an elbow into Naruto's ribs under the guise of distributing drinks.

Ino took hold of Naruto's ear and twisted. "We're _ninja_ , Uzumaki," she said quietly. "We do anything the mission requires. This mission requires that." She let him go and sat back. "She doesn't look that awful. She's probably not into anything kinky. All you have to do is a little acting--" She gave him a long, dubious look.

Naruto risked a look sideways at Shikamaru and saw that he, too, looked doubtful. Naruto took a deep breath. _We've probably attracted enough attention._ He opened his mouth then closed it. _But what is Ino going to do now?_ He stifled a laugh with a frown and shook his head.

Ino flattened her hands against the table. "Fine." She pushed herself out of her seat. "If you're not going to do it, I'll have to." She looked at Shikamaru and shook her head. "Unfortunately, you're not quite her type. Watch my things. I'll be back when I look right." She turned and headed off in the direction of the bathrooms without a backward glance.

_Actually, Shikamaru is exactly her type, and so are you. Didn't Tsunade warn them? Hell, now that she's noticed us, she'd take all three of us if she thought she could get us out of here without comment._ Naruto was so occupied by his thoughts that he started when Shikamaru nudged a drink against his elbow. Naruto picked it up and stared at it as if thinking. Then he tossed it back as if he actually thought it would do something. _If Jiraiya never found my capacity, I don't think we're going to tonight. And that's the real reason this is_ my _job. Fukao can't drug me. Do other things, maybe, but not drugs. Tsunade thinks my head will be clear. Clear enough._

Naruto turned to look at Shikamaru. "Did she really mean--? Do the girls really-- Do they really do that sort of thing?"

Shikamaru looked for a second like he couldn't believe Naruto had asked. Then he sighed and squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. "You do whatever the mission requires you to do, Naruto. Anything." He looked for second like he was going to elaborate. He shook his head.

Naruto nodded as if Shikamaru had said something profound. He let himself glance toward his target. She was watching him and Shikamaru with almost predatory interest. He couldn't believe that Shikamaru hadn't noticed.

Shikamaru took a swallow from his own drink. "Look, Naruto, it's not that hard. That lady wants someone to play with."

_You have no idea. Then again, Tsunade had no idea either. That's why she sent me._

"Go. Be sweet to her." Where Ino's words had been preemptory and insistent, Shikamaru's words were soothing and persuasive. "She'll know it's her money you're after, but she won't care. She'll buy you a drink and maybe feel you up. Then you'll go back to her place and have some mediocre sex. You tire her out so that she goes to sleep while you find what you came for and get the hell out. We'll be waiting for you in the street outside."

_Just don't get spotted. No, they won't. They're both jounin. Then why are they missing all the things I see about Fukao?_ Naruto hid his frown by lifting his glass as if trying to get the last drops out. _Tsunade said, no matter who goes after her, nobody's managed to best her yet, and none of them have any idea what the hell she did to them. Some guesses, yes, but nothing certain. She's not a ninja, but could it be some kind of jutsu? Or is it something creepier? A jutsu would probably work on me, though, even if Tsunade thought the Fox might protect me. Might._ He stifled a sigh. _I hope I can convince Fukao that whatever the hell she's doing is working on me. I hope that I_ need _to convince Fukao that whatever she's doing is working._

Naruto set his glass down with a firm hand. He nodded at Shikamaru and stood up. He bit his tongue on his instinct to warn Shikamaru to be careful. _He and Ino either will be all right, or they won't be. The old lady hasn't killed anybody yet. We're ninja. We can deal with anything else._ Naruto took a step then turned back. He met Shikamaru's eyes. "If I'm in there longer than four hours, leave without me." It was more warning than he ought to give, and he knew that, if he didn't come out on time, they'd come in after him. _And probably get caught, too. But Tsunade probably told them to look after me._

Shikamaru's eyes widened just enough for Naruto to notice. He frowned and started to say something. 

_Yes. It's like that._  

Shikamaru looked at Fukao without turning in her direction. His shoulders tightened. After a moment, he nodded.

Naruto grinned, gave him a thumbs up, and started walking toward his target.


End file.
